i think ever since i came back from the hospital no proper rest yet to be accomplish.
1.1st day i am struggling in introducing myself to my baby since i only get to touch her after 12 freaking hours post delivery! i was so freaking upset. when the nurse actually send me her, the nurse left her and says sila breasfeed. wtf! seriously. i am so lucky i am not stupid and i did still try to breastfeed her. but seriously wtf.
2. 2nd day is still orientation day and i am lacking of milk.means my colostrum doesnt come out much, aleena is hungry i am so frustrated. breastfeed all the time. non-stop, nipple so sore i cry. my mum give aleena to my sister in law to breastfeed and i burst into tears. i started to pump.
3.3rd still struggling with producing more and more colostrum.and milk, aleena started to have jaundice. i felt like passing out. mr husband such a great help.
4. 4th day getting better. but i am so tired. trying to figure out aleena routine. sometimes i breastfeed her forever yet she still latch on and dont want to sleep. tired. today i start my urut and then more milk is there.with extra help from food and drinks as well.
5.5th day understand her more a bit. milk is more. seem she is contented and happy. but still jaundice. so sad. still urut.
6.6th day the nurse from klinik kesihatan came in, refer her to the nearest Klinik kesihatan to do blood test.decided to go to HKL instead. and he level is 242.if 250 will be admitted. for me the value is almost to 250 why dont give her photo-therapy straight away.instead of waiting. im happy but worried. still need to monitor her on my own.burst into tears when aleena hand was prick by the nurse for the blood. i am so weak nowadays. last day of urut.
7.last night she slept well. wakes up twice. give her milk and she slept back.although at 1 am she wakes up and only sleep back at 3 am. tired. but i am satisfied of what i am doing to her.tomorrow i am going to bring aleena to nearest klinik kesihatan to check her level again. worried.
i am alhamdullilah with all the training of taking care of my nieces i know how to handle my baby.
Allah s.w.t has given me strength and health to take care of my baby even as early as this after my delivery during the weakest day of confinement. even though on the 2nd day morning at the hospital i actually breakdown and cry. because i am in pain, no help, clueless and confuse at the same time.call up my mum and she told me i cant be weak. so i get up, had my shower and went to the nursery and force them to give me my baby. and yet they dont until 10am. cry.
but right now i am tired.tadi baby seem to refuse my nipple because i am training her with bottle as my mum is so scared she dont want bottle once i go back to work. i am so damn frustrated just now almost cry. keep pujuking her for almost 1 hour then only she latch on! omg!
and i pump got only a little bit. i guess it is all from the stress just now. i was mad at my baby for refusing my nipple. so maybe insya allah later i will try to pump again and see how.
i am worry:
1.of my milk supply. i wanna fully breastfeed my baby until 2 years old. but it is so hard.
2.of her jaundice.i guess if she dont have jaundice i will be much better.no worries.
3.of getting a helper for my mum to help with aleena
5.what if i need to go away when i returned to work
6.if i am taking care of her the right way.
omg so overwhelming. sigh.
is all mother felt the same way?
if you want to be a mother you can no longer be selfish . no more me time. only baby time.
and i cant catch my nap time. today, i was so tired of last night, try to sleep this afternoon. but when i wake up, i felt so confuse and tired and groggy and weak that i dont want to sleep anymore because it took me a while to actually attend to aleena. i dont want that. i want to attend to her immediately cause she is crying. so worrying.
and nowadays is sleepless night because i am worry that i overslept and miss her feeding time, or i dindt hear her crying or anything.what if she tersedak and all. sigh.